If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
