Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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