There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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