This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
