I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
