he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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