I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
