Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
