just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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