we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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