if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
