i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
