I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
