So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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