So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
