At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You ruined the universe
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
