Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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