Pappa wants mamma naked
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she told me i tasted like america
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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