And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
