My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize