hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
