I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
