she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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