i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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