I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
