why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
