I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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