U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
