Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
