Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You're like the curious george of whores
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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