the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize
