If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
