and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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