Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
