We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
