Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
