Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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