I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
