I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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