i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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