my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
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