You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize