If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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