sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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