My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize