Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
