i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
