It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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