I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
