she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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