saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Is it because I queefed?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
