I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
