It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
