mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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