and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My feet surprised me
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